GCSE exam howlers

My friend Rachel sent me these. They’re great.

The following questions and answers were collated from last year’s British GCSE exams (16 year olds):

GEOGRAPHY
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH
Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

RELIGIOUS EDUCATION
Q: What is a Hindu?
A : It lays eggs.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked ‘Am I my brother’s son?’

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made themselves unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cynanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Answer given in mock Biology exam:
Q: Give an example of movement in plants, and an animal that cannot move?
A: Tryphids & a dead cat.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

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